more ranting

So had a meeting with one of my profs about my paper. As nicely as can be said he told me to start over that my idea wasn’t concrete enough. Why can’t I do this? Is it because I don’t care anymore? Maybe I’m just tired of it all. The problem is I can’t just dither around. I’ve turned in two crap essays and one decent one. The decent one being the one I wrote at the beginning and the crap ones being the two I wrote when I was sick. I can’t afford to turn in a mediocre essay at this point. This one has to make up for the points I lost. Maybe I’m too nervous at this point. I know how much is riding on this one, and it just makes me sick. I’m just annoyed and frustrated I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like feeling like I have no control. There are lots of problems with this university. Or at least with the English department. Especially since we don’t get our papers back in a timely manner so we can’t use the comments to improve our next essay. I was writing my fourth paper before I got my second one back. What sort of help is that going to be to me? I just feel like giving up. I don’t want to do this, to be here, to be writing papers on this subject…when it comes down to it I don’t know if I want to be writing papers at all. Thank God Jesse still has some focus. One of us needs to do something… I’ll just…I don’t know…paint tables and chairs. And I know it doesn’t matter about getting sick I should have produced better papers regardless of the circumstances but damnit I didn’t. And now I’m just stuck.

What a dismal post…the next one will be about squirrels and pansies…