childhood

this one is samantha's fault.

the five things i miss about childhood.

1. knowing what/who god is. i remember a time when i knew exactly what god was and that he was taking care of me. i don't know what/who god is anymore or if he/it/she exists really. i really like the many of the things that jesus seemed to say (seemed...as in the bible has to be taken with a grain of salt to compensate for the writers's own lenses and motives plus it contradicts itself all over the place). but what christianity is now (particularly Protestantism) is soccer-moms and race-car-dads, two cars, three tvs....blah blah... that is not what he was going for. but doesn't matter, that's what it is. and identifying with the guy that kicked all this off doesn't make me a christian. (well, unless my mother or brother ask you...and then yes i'm a christian... especially my brother sheesh) i don't know what it makes me really. i'm starting to sympathize with the nineteenth conception of what a deist was. who knows. i think i can sense the ineffable though. in some way... i do believe in a god...i'm just not real sure what he is. and that's kinda unsettling...well at least when comparing it to my younger self. but i guess one of the things i dislike the most about many people adhereing to one religion or another is their inability to listen and question. but sometimes at night i still miss the certaninty.

2. i miss thinking i would live forever. i mean i understood death and what it was. but it didn't have anything to do with me. i remember thinking that because of time zones if you could get on a plane and keep going you could live forever.

3. i miss school papers that were written on that blue and red lined paper. there were only about 5 lines right? yeah... i miss papers like that. one's that don't make me feel like i've sold my soul when they're over.

4. i miss the ability to sit on my floor and endless organize and reoragnize my rock collection and my plastic jewlery into differnt boxes that i would acquire from all over. because, what the hell was more important than organizing rocks?

5. i miss thinking that i would always have the ones i loved. the first realtive that died (when i was old enough to know what was going on) was when i was 12. that's a long time without any first hand knowledge of death. my parents also never moved after i was born. so i never had to go to a completely new town and make new friends. i remember at some point though having one of those thoughts that makes you sit straight up in bed and stare. (for me it was at the little red light on my tape deck). i was going to be the last one left. i'm the youngest by nine years. that was creepy. now it's not as big a deal. and i don't remember how old i was. young...

anyway. that's that. strangely personal.

-sarah