this has turned out to be a sounding board for complaints about ocala and the remnants of my eating disorder. two topics that are naturally fun for everyone, right?

i've started excersing again. running every other day and lifting weights. we'll see how long i'll keep it up until i get bored. i've been running for 2 weeks now. i've decided one of the reasons i continue you fall back into old habits is because i'm really dissatisfied with the shape of my body. i know, shut up, i'm 118 pounds and there are real fat people out there. seriously though. whenever i get stressed i notice how much i just don't like the way i look (like every woman right?). normally i just stop eating for a few weeks and my stomach starts to flatten a bit but never really goes away.

i just got done with one of these diets before i went home for my birthday. they suck. it works for a little while (maybe about 4 days) and sure enough the pounds drop off but so does everything else. my natural tedency to be a tad on the gloomy side suddenly becomes my only personality trait. i have no energy. i sleep ever more than i already do. i get those awful restless leg twitches. for the first week or so i'm starving and then that goes away. and i feel like i have the flu all the time and couldn't possibly eat anything. the worst part of all is admiting that i'm doing it again and having to start eating again. because i just don't want to. thinking of food will make me nauseous. and this time i had to pull myself together in about three days so i could look like i was eating like a normal person so my mother wouldn't worry because i was heading down there to see her.

so i'm thinking if i excersise and eat regularly then when i look in the mirror i won't see a girl with a flabby tummy anymore. and then i won't do this anymore. this is my plan. we'll see how the whole thing goes off.

i was trying to explain to my mother the other day i don't want to be the girl whose problems all come from inside her head. i want to be alright. and if i have any problems they are because a paino has fallen on my leg or a tree has fallen on my car not because my head is an odd, dark, little place to be. she of course asked me if i wanted to go back to my therapist. which i don't.

so we're going to try to fix this.