today i was given a dress with a hole in the side of it by a co-worker because her daughter has gained too much weight to fit into it anymore.

so being me i put it on and waited for jesse to come home from work. he walks in the door and sees the hole. his comment word for word "i am right-handed, this hole is on your left side, this was put here for my conveniece" he's such a spaz. and then we preceeded to not have sex because i have forgotten to take my birthcontrol pills for a week. A WEEK! i am now clued in to how stressed i really am about this whole move or non-move.

jesse, naturally, has now been offered that job we thought he didn't get. had they offered it to him earlier we'd probably still be going and now i'm wondering if we should go any way. it's not any where near enough money to even pay our rent.

everything in my life is always planned. always. i get out a calandar, some books and figure it all out. i've had it all planned out for years. so now not only am i confused but i feel like i've lost my grip on reality and everything. like i have no control at all. i have been seriously fighting with the urges to quit eating. it helps that jesse is around. but i just want control over something damnit. i can't even control my sex life for the next month!

going to see the lidhs tomorrow. i need contact with the academic world again and lidh won't put up with my whinning. he'll put things in perspective for me. he's good at that.

friday night in ocala. everything relaxes after the darkness presses the heat out. it's still hot but the breeze is like the very earth sighing in relief from the 90 plus temperatures. it's quiet. every so often from the porch i can hear a hollar from the midnight rodeo a block away. motorcycles and lowered cars cruise through my neighborhood every so often on their way from the square to wal-mart or the golden corral. there aren't any funerals tonight. if there were from the same porch i would be able to hear hymns. the sound comes in bursts as people come in and out of the funeral home having forgot their pack of tissues or chapstick or pen for the purpose of coming back out to get them. i can't always make out which hymn they are singing. there is no "music on the square tonight" some half-hearted attempt by city comissioners to breathe some life back into the town. it's always someones' mother's cousion's best friend's brother's band and it's usually country music. by the time the sound gets to my porch it's just noise and i prefer the hymns. tonight it's fairly quiet though. i'm baking a cheesecake. i just burned the strawberries that were supposed to go in it. looks like we're having a grilled stawberry cheese cake.