my brother

the other night i was talking to jesse about posting pictures on my photobucket account and that we needed to send charlie and april the links to the ireland pictures. then i realized we've given them links in the past and they can access anything in there. which means i have to be careful what i put in there. not those sorts of pictures. you all have seen my photobucket.

i was surprised after sending him a link last time to get a email asking why jesse was blowing fireballs. and if he was going to continue to do that there was no way he and april would trust us with rachel. then a quick "just kidding". but that's the thing...

i mean i don't really think he's that concerned about jesse blowing fireballs and igniting his child. but i realized that there are things that would freak them out about us. and i know i'm walking a thin line. and that makes me really angry.

for instance april told her aunt (who is gay) that after april had a baby she was no longer allowed to bring her partner with her to family gatherings. and if she was planning to bring her partner then she needed to alert april so that april would not come with her children. needless to see they have declined the invitation to rebecca and meliha's commiment ceremony in october.

i remember once getting into a conversation with my mother about religion at the dinner table. now my mother is a minister and i've taken lots of religion classes and enjoy reading about religion in general. so this is really pretty normal. i mean i don't tell my mother really personal things about my own religious beliefs but we do talk about things. i mentioned that the gospels were not written by their namesakes because i needed to say that to move on to something else...now my mom already knew that but april just about had a fit. "really? sarah, you're rocking my world!"

anyway. they are what i would call "fundi-s". and while they haven't given me much grief in general before the baby i'm wondering what they'll do now. my political beliefs are the exact opposite of theirs. i jokked that jesse and i had to vote to cancel out charlie and april's votes for bush. it's frustrating. but i can deal with that i know not everyone is going to agree with me about everything. it's the idea they might tell me i don't have privledges with rachel -- that gets under my skin.

just telling them i'm not a christian would probably do it. them coming across some of the pictures of when jesse and i go clubbing wouldn't help. and throw in telling them i've kissed a girl and enjoyed it...well... that would be the end of that.

my parents are remarkably supportive of me. in fact i've watched them change their own political beliefs to be more in keeping with mine as the years have gone by. i can talk to them without worrying about them getting freaked out though they may not always agree with me. if i locked you in a room for a few hours with charlie and april you would believe me. i mean i know i sound like i'm making a big deal out of this...but i really don't think i am.

jesse and i have talked about what we plan on doing when she asks us questions that we know we would answer differently than her parents. i don't want to challange how they're going to raise their kids (well...i kinda want to) but i won't. but somehow i want her to know that we would be there for her if she did any of the long list of things that would astonish and enrage her parents. being a parent changed things. shows people that there is so much more "grey" that everything isn't black and white. i hope the same will happen for them.

and i really care about my brother and his wife. i've never had a bid sister and sometimes it's kinda neat. i really want to feel like i can be myself around them. and in the past i have said things i know they don't believe or want to hear. but i think i'm going to have to learn to keep my mouth shut.

it makes me sad.