a whole lot of bitching

yesterday jesse and i ignored our papers to do job and uni searches. as for the job thing? not a whole lot of luck yet. some of the most promising jobs are at the moffit cancer centre in tampa. with only one car having one of us working in tampa and one of us working in say...st.pete... is going to be irritating. but there's no telling at this point. i'm not really sure when to apply to places because i won't be avaible until after my cousins' wedding in mid october. blah.

as for uni? well things look not so good. i told jesse a few months ago that it would be easier to get references from our profs who we know in the states from here than from our profs who we do not know so well here from in the states. so it was a good idea to apply from here. and so i did. i researched i found the few uni/colleges that specialized in what i wanted to do and sent them off. as i went i told jesse where they were and he just sorta nodded. he couldn't be bothered to send off apps himself at the time. he comes to bed last night, i'm half asleep and he says, "looks like the places you've applied to are pretty far from the places i need to go." and fell asleep. i managed to get out of him that rutgers which is about an hour from the place in NJ that i want to go is a great school for him. unfortunatly it's the 2nd best school in the states for what he wants to do and the chances of him getting in are slim. while my chances of getting into a tiny little place that no one has heard of but has a great holocaust and genocide program is pretty high. there does not appear to be anywhere in penn for him. and the only place in massachuttes is harvard. which he doesn't think he'll get into. and lets face it boston is made up of colleges and bagel shops and churches. there are colleges everywhere! he's just not looking hard enough i think. the place he does want to go is arizona. which (by the way) is not in the northeast where all of my schools are. living apart would suck but the truth of the matter is (especially with me in the northeast) we do not have enough money to live apart. living together is cheaper. and honestly (unless one of us lands a bitchin job this year) our only option.
long story short i don't have any idea what's going on. and i'm not about to go through the whole grueling process of applying AGAIN! i would feel crap about asking my profs for more letters and applying to places seriously makes me feel like i'd rather jump out a window. it is an activity i will do once a year not more. i just can't handle it.
in general i feel like everything is caving in. i can't write fast enought to finish my thesis. i don't know if i will find a job. i just feel like my entire life is spinning away from me and i can't catch it. i really feel like i can't handle any of this. which makes me unproductive and then i get more upset. he has less than a month to get his shit together so he can get letters from people here and then go back to flagler and bug klein (who refuses to return emails) and get letters from her. he's got the time to apply but he has to make these decisions now. because the letters need to be personally addressed to each school. he can't just get three random letters from the profs here.
i just feel like it's going to come down to me giving up what i want to do so he can go do what he wants to do. and that makes me sad. and it makes me feel worthless. and i don't know what the fuck is going on anymore.