Wow. I haven't looked at this thing in years. You mean they don't delete these things after a certain amount of time?

Wow.

it's 3:45 and i'm not awake yet, translation, i was awake at 7:00 but now i'm proping myself up on strong coffee-house coffee and the whafting conversations of people at neighboring tables.

one of note: "rememeber that sweater i told you about?" i don't think i've ever said that to any one for any reason. i don't think i've ever expected any of my friends to rememeber my wardrobe.

still writing that letter to samantha, you one person who reads this. and by still i mean have not written yet may get to tonight more likely some time wednesday. letter will include apologies for absence of said letter for so long, thank you for christmas presents (from last year...), and general updates.

things were a little better today. i registered for classes and felt a touch less like i'm watching every one else go to class. i just don't think it has registered that i have indeed escaped ocala and am now going to school again. i keep having these really odd moments of "shit, i'm in class". i just shift in and out of being aware of where i am. i keep thinking i'm going to wake up. i have nightmares i'm still teaching 7th grade. i think, in the end, there are pills for this and i need them.

reconnected with a few kids from flager. stephanie lauw and her now boyfriend derek. good times.

planning on trying to start off a poker night again.

someone mentioned in class how narcisstic blogs are. how they all talk about people wanting to kill themselves. it immediately made me think of lessonsfromthekissingbooth. not the killing yourself bit....but the...insert compliment...argh... it made me think of yours as an example of what a blog can look like in that.... you really should be writing novels sort of way.

back to reading articles....

let's see why am i picking this back up after something like 9 months of inactivity? yeah that would be due to two things.

1. my big mouth
2. a certain grad student i don't want to name any names but it begins with j and rhymes with may.

so yeah...i'm a dork.

i am now a phd student at fsu. or more acurately, i am pretending to be a phd student at fsu. when exactly i will start feeling like i belong here and stop feelings like i'm just pretending is anyone's guess. every time i talk to some one new i feel like i'm watching myself from above and can't actually tell myself what to say or stop stupid things from tumbling out of my mouth. it's comical in theory in reality it sucks.

so. husband and i have moved in to a nice little duplex thingy. cats have been transplanted. the cats actually seem much happier here than in ocala. i didn't think they really cared but they do seem (in vet language) "more active".

samantha, you're the only one that actually reads this and i need to send you a letter and clue you in to some of the weirdness that happened this past winter. i have written you two letters and then torn them up. i'm not a letter-tearer-uper. i normally just send them off...so....yeah...it's coming.

and jay, if you do actually continue reading this i will find you and i will stuff you into your mail box. somehow. i'm a big strapping girl. i could do it. feel threatened.

-sarah

i am feeling ridiculously out of control. i am waiting for letters to come in from my reccomenders - except they won't come to me. they will come to schools. and i just don't know what is going on with them. i don't even know what to say.

i have been having a collection of those moments lately where i'm pretty sure i'd be better off being in a place where someone writes down how many cornflakes i eat each day on a clipboard and i don't have to worry about anything. i mean i'm fine...just out a bit in the far country.

got a phone call today from someone i haven't heard much from in awhile. good to talk.

that's about it.

friday night in ocala -- care of saturday morning

the night wasn't as long as it was supposed to be. it should have started around 4 o'clock and lasted until 2 in the morning or so. but jesse had to go in to work despite his day off and we were forced to do errands afterwards until about 6.

it's ridiculously hard towrite about friday night on saturday morning.

the oddest thing about the whole day was our trip to state farm ins. we have a new/used car now. we no longer have jesse's step father's ford. so we had to take it by for her to see it. while there she tried to sell us a life ins policy. which jesse wants to get but not now because we don't have 80 extra dollars a month. a life ins policy! we're way to young for that. can you imagine? if one of us died the other would get more money than we may have ever had in savings. it's insane. but we do not have this policy.

what we did get was a hospital income policy. because it's less than 20 dollars a month. if one of us goes into the hospital for any reason and is admited we get 150 dollars a day or 300 dollars if we are in ICU. it's the most logical plan i think i've ever committed to. let's face it with my crazy lung and jesse's perpensity to play with fire and sharp objects we'll probably be in the hospital before the year is out. well not really, but we have a higher chance than your average 24 year olds. of course 150 dollars a day might not even cover our deductible...but still it's better than nothing. so off you go...go get one of these things.

ok. off to st. aug for hayden's birthday.

this has turned out to be a sounding board for complaints about ocala and the remnants of my eating disorder. two topics that are naturally fun for everyone, right?

i've started excersing again. running every other day and lifting weights. we'll see how long i'll keep it up until i get bored. i've been running for 2 weeks now. i've decided one of the reasons i continue you fall back into old habits is because i'm really dissatisfied with the shape of my body. i know, shut up, i'm 118 pounds and there are real fat people out there. seriously though. whenever i get stressed i notice how much i just don't like the way i look (like every woman right?). normally i just stop eating for a few weeks and my stomach starts to flatten a bit but never really goes away.

i just got done with one of these diets before i went home for my birthday. they suck. it works for a little while (maybe about 4 days) and sure enough the pounds drop off but so does everything else. my natural tedency to be a tad on the gloomy side suddenly becomes my only personality trait. i have no energy. i sleep ever more than i already do. i get those awful restless leg twitches. for the first week or so i'm starving and then that goes away. and i feel like i have the flu all the time and couldn't possibly eat anything. the worst part of all is admiting that i'm doing it again and having to start eating again. because i just don't want to. thinking of food will make me nauseous. and this time i had to pull myself together in about three days so i could look like i was eating like a normal person so my mother wouldn't worry because i was heading down there to see her.

so i'm thinking if i excersise and eat regularly then when i look in the mirror i won't see a girl with a flabby tummy anymore. and then i won't do this anymore. this is my plan. we'll see how the whole thing goes off.

i was trying to explain to my mother the other day i don't want to be the girl whose problems all come from inside her head. i want to be alright. and if i have any problems they are because a paino has fallen on my leg or a tree has fallen on my car not because my head is an odd, dark, little place to be. she of course asked me if i wanted to go back to my therapist. which i don't.

so we're going to try to fix this.