birds

so my upstairs neighbor told me to stop feeding the birds because the pigeons keep landing on his window sill and he's afraid they're going to come inside. if i was him this would amuse the shit out of me (the thought of chasing a pigeon though the kitchen, catcing it in a pillow case and tossing it back outside) but he's french and less easily amused it seems. of course i wasn't feeding the pigeons on purpose. but they eat what's left. so they are around. jesse took down the bird feeder yesterday. as rediculous as this will sound i cried...hard...the jay (jays are the size of crows over here and much easier to anthropomorphsize for this reason) keeps coming up to the window and cocking his head from one side to the other. it just breaks my heart. i keep telling myself he's just a bird but that doesn't seem to make me feel any better. the little song birds are hungry too and keep fliting about. i'm not worried about them starving so much as birds are farely resourceful... but it makes me really sad. in a week or so they will stop coming by. and that will be the end of it. this is the nature of things lately. i watched i heart huckabees last night to chill out. good flick.

parents have left

i didn't know this picture was being taken of me at the time. my mother is famous for these. i particularly disaprove of the one she took of jesse and i sleeping on the train. which will not be posted. but...anyway...this is me at the roman baths. which are beautiful and one of the best laid out tourist attractions i've ever seen. they're laid out well with out anything needlessly flashy, just enough to keep the artifacts from deteriating. i reccomend it.

the parents have fled. but not before buying us two grocery trips worth of food. which is fantastic because we have just about exhausted our budgets. and are reaching that cereal and bologne level of existence. well...maybe i'm not sure they have bologne here. but for now there are chicken breasts to be had and good pesto sauce. still it must be done if we're going to do any travelling at all. and we must...i don't think we'll get back over here for at least another 10 years.

having the parents here was odd. my mother immediately slipped into mother role which was irratating. but by the time she left i had remembered how to ignore it. and she still points out the most mundane obvious things and thinks she has made valid original points. and it makes me want to scream. but i didn't.

papers and such things tonight.

got a package from val. little care package because she said my last letter sounded so depressed. i miss her. wonder if i'll ever be able to get to taiwan... on the travel list at the top is vermont in october because my cousin is having a commitment cermony with her partner. i've taken to just calling it "the wedding" because that is what it would be if our government weren't such close minded asses. my father said, "the wedding?" when i mentioned going. i said "yeah, because that's what it should be" he didn't seem tooconfused by this. my parents have done so much growing up since i left for college. i'm so proud of them. i like to think it's because i started being more vocal with my own views and have maybe influenced them a touch...but it's probably just natural growth. still...political and religious discusions are so much more interesting with them as of late...and involve less shouting (well...none actually)...

i'm trying to learn how to post pictures. this is a slow painful process we all know how slow sarah is with math...and what are computers? just heavy math buckets...

pictures

ok. now i can add pictures and so can document my life and such things. which means that now i am prepared to put up pictures of squirrels and stray cats and puppies.... well maybe i'll grow some artistic distinction with my new found ability. but be prepared for squirrels anyway.

my parents will be here soon. on thursday actually. which happens to be the same day i have my meeting with all of my profs to discuss what my thesis will be on. which i am, by the way, not ready for. i mean i know roughly what it will be on. but i'm not ready to present on it. i don't have an argument...which they require. so i'll be chaining myself to the couch for the next two days with coffee and wotsits (which are cheese puffs). things could be worse.

it's odd really. for the first time since i've been here i feel like i have the ability to write this paper. i feel like i won't fail and it might even be good. i'm not sure where this confidence is springing from. and i wish i did because i would bottle and save it for next month when deadlines are closer and i start spiraling. but for now i feel alright. this may also have to do with me conviently not thinking about my applications. they're bastards anyway.

bristol is frigid again. warm this afternoon for a few hours (even without sun) but now quite cold. there is no rhyme or reason to all of this. none at all.

kisses-

kitchen

i give up. the dishes have won. they now dominate the kitchen and they are fussing about me wanting to clean them. saying things like "the water is always too cold" and "it's our right to be cleaned when we want to be" i've finally decided that i don't have the energy anymore to devote to fighting with them. they'll get tired of being dirty eventually and then i will be ready for them. but untill then i'll stay out of their way and not have to deal with their moaning. unless jesse decides to do them. he doesn't let them boss him around and just holds them under the water until the bubbles stop. why can't we have a dish washer? or hell, a sink with two bowls in it one for soapy water and one for clean water. or how about one spout that can be adjusted to the proper temperature instead of fucking around with both spouts. or....ooo...one of the spritzing heads for hard to remove food bits?

really though...i spend very little of my time agonizing about dishes and sinks...

p.s.

p.s. i got my paper back. i did well. everything is a go.

may 8 05

well i just posted on live journal about my doctirnal shift. i kinda feel like i just came out of the closet or something. well that's not true. but that's what it felt like when i told my parents. i just knew they were going to give me the "this is wrong you have to stick to what you've begun" speech. but they didn't they listented and then asked me questions. i have begun the wheels turning on this. i've asked my three special people (i wonder how they would feel about being called that) to write my letters of rec. that's lidh, torgerson, and tim webb (from bristol) i've downloaded and filled out the transcript request forms and will send them off tomorrow. all i have to do is fill out the apps proper and look for fincial aid paperwork as well. i'm really almost done.
it should be no surprise to any of you...jude do you still read this? well..it should be no surprise to samantha that jesse has not done any of this. he is only 4000 words into a 6-10,000 word essay that is due in less than a week. so i guess i have to give him until them before i begin to bagger him.
alright...

better

i felt so awful last time i posted. and now i am starting to feel some what human again. which is a relief because i was really wondering what was wrong with me. and i can tell that if i dwell too much on it i'll start feeling like shit again. in class on thursday peter pulled me aside and told me i wasn't going crazy. he said the first time this happened to him he thought he was going nuts but eventually it will subside. which was good advice because i was starting to think i was going nuts. i couldn't tell you how long this want on for. a month...2?

i dunno. but i think it's over now. so there.

jesse's car is dead we will have to buy one now. which if we have any cash at all when we get home that will wipe us out completely. which i suppose will be alright since we should have jobs at that point. his father was suppose to give us his old car and then changed his mind. jesse's mother thinks she can guilt him out of 2 thousand for that one. which will help.

anyway. must move furniture around for poker tomorrow.

-sarah