i feel like this is mirroring samantha's post in a few cursory plot sorta ways and that makes me think the universe is much odder than i generally give it credit for.

i got a call from my mother yesterday. she has this tone of voice she uses to tell me (and i assume every one else) bad news. it's this really odd tone which i think she thinks is compassionate but really sounds like she means "but don't worry about it becauase if i hadn't told you then you wouldn't know" one of the men from the church i grew up in died on my birthday. she waited a few days to tell me...which i thank her for.

now church is an odd place for me. because i have to be very careful about the things i say. there are even a few people i can't admit i like the harry potter movies to... and that feels wierd to me. but i grew up with lots of these people acting as extra aunts and uncles and they still support and look after me, i got tons of cards and emails when i was in the hospital here. and despite my feelings about god and not being sure about much else than i think he probably does exist i feel the need to go. at least to that church when i am in town. other churches in other cities i feel less of a commitment to.

one of these couples that was always around when i was a kid were these two. he was a super nice guy with a great sense of humor. she was wonderful, caring, and amazing in the way she loved him. you could see it in her eyes. anyway he has been sick for years and finally had a heart attack which he couldn't recover from. she took him to the hospital. my mother as her minister was called to go down there. mom says when they told her he wasn't going to recover she was hysterical. but she got a few hours with him before he died. he couldn't talk. but he would hold her hand and when she let go he would search for it again. he seems to have been able to hear her as well.

i am sorry he is gone. i cried. i will miss him. but in the long run i didn't know him extemely well. i am worried about her. she'll be alright sure...for the most part we all tend to press on despite the circumstances. but she will be very sad for a long time. she loved him so much. i am glad they were able to share the sort of relationship they did. but this will leave her empty and alone and it will take a long time before she can think of him with happiness because of the memories rather than with an aching that feels like it will never stop. i am thinking of her and praying for her.

relationships are painful. they always end in one form or another. often one person is left mourning the other. whether because of death or just a break-up because there can be real mourning in that too. i believe this pain is worth it...but it's been a long time since i have lost someone close to me. and i was just a kid then. maybe i wouldn't know.