just got home to my parent's house and weighed in a 109 pounds this time. it's the most ridiculous thing really: i need to gain weight, i know this, but I don't want to. i like being thin gaining weight makes me feel all creepy. i'm doing my best not to think about it. thinking about food makes me all wierd so i think my best plan is just to try to convince myself to eat whatever i want and chill out. i am eating. it's just that my chaloric (that's not right) intake isn't high enough to keep me from losing weight and certainly not high enough to gain any. i'm just not hungry enough. i get hungry, eat a half bowl of pasta, and i'm done i don't want any more.

i have to regulate how much sugar, caffeine and alcohol i take because any of the three can make me feel like i have a killer hangover. sometimes i can eat lots of them sometimes any at all will do it. i think it depends on how much normal food i have eaten during the day in general. it's irritating. i've always had a sensitivty to these things which is aggravated by stress but when i don't weigh enough it gets worse.

it is so wierd talking about this stuff at all, but i want to talk about it somewhere and it seems easier doing it here than actually talking to a person. i talk about it to jesse every once and a while but he either get's too freaked out about it or treats it like it's no problem at all. so this is easier for me i guess. and it reminds me that while i'm trying to ignore what i weigh so i will gain weight i do have to be aware of it on some level or i'll just keep dropping pounds.

bah, this is odd.